I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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