As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He shit in the fireplace
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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