He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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