she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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