Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
