omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
