i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
