I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
