In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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