my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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