Ambien. No doubt about it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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