just tell him i said nine months
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
