I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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