Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
