it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I need a burrito and a hug.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
