oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
