I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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