like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
