Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
