Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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