i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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