I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
