there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
