im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize