It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
