whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
