I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
