ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
