Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
