im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
