My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
