I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize