please come you make the beer taste better
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
