Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
