hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
