The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did I show you my penis last night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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