My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
