i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
