I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
