They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
