Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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