I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
