I haven't been this sober since birth.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
