it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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