I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
