Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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