my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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