Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
