he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
