No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
