She is in my trunk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
