Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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