Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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