Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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