True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
